John confesses to Angie: “I’m really sad.”

We were sitting at the dinner table, just finishing up our evening meal when John looked at me and said, “I’m really sad.”

I stopped fussing with the plates and gave him my full attention. “Why are you sad?”

“I’m sad because I’m leaving you. Alzheimer’s is making me leave you. I’m dying.”

I got up to hug my husband. Although I tried to comfort him by saying that none of us really knew where and when they would die. In my heart I knew that John believed what he was saying. He was actually fading away.

Perhaps it was because one of the drugs he takes is known to have a lifespan of 24 months or so of optimum cognitive assistance. He has now been taking it for 31 months.

Maybe he felt isolated from family and friends. His interaction with them was mostly instigated and managed through me. While I’m at work, Tobey (our dog) and his imagined visitors were sometimes his only companions. I have tried to involve people, but John has always been solitary without a large circle of friends outside of work. Work is gone so clients and friends are gone.

I thought that age would bring freedom. In our retirement, John and I had planned to travel, volunteer and take up a hobby together. Today I realize that our lives no longer belong to us. We belong to Alzheimer’s.

It makes us both sad.

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3 Responses

  1. Noel Silva says:

    While it is sad for both of you…The opportunity for each moment not to be taken for granted also has it’s advantages. Sometimes we forget how important our loved ones are…I love you and Dad so very much!!

  2. Marianne says:

    I just found this blog and have no idea how things are for John and Angie . I am a caregiver for my dad and he was diagnoses w/ moderate to sever Alzheimer’s in 2009. I signed him up for a test program w. Ellie Lilly and we are very stable if not improving slightly. The drug is Solanezumab and the 1st 18 months I don’t know if he got the drug but since then he does get the drug until FDA approved. It is amazing how it slowed the progression to almost a snail like pace and this year certain things have gotten better. I was wondering if that is the test program Angie has John in. When we started this journey my aunt and I figured that dad would have to be in care facility by jan of 2010. Well he is still home with me.

    Yes I do have caretakers to help while I work but he is home and that is great. I watch thes videos and read this story and I get sad because I understand the story soo well. I just wanted to pass along about this drug. In October of 2012 they said it didn’t work and they will do another round of test and try for FDA approval. It doesn’t cure Alzhimer but it almost seems to stopp it. I only wish dad had been able to take it in the early stages.

    • Angie says:

      Marianne: Yes that was the drug that John was taking. After nearly four years I realized that it wasn’t working long term for him. They offered to continue giving him the drug, but he had such an aversion to being in the car I felt that the reward wasn’t worth the risk.

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